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Main : Love : Mothers-Children

His Choice
  by: Barbara, Heartwarmers4u

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I became pregnant within three months after leaving home at 18. I was not ready to become a mother. I had just begun life on my own, so I gave my baby up for adoption.

It was not easy, but at the time, I felt it was the right thing to do. I went through the adoption procedure with little or no feeling about what I had done. Because they did not let me see my son in the hospital after he was born, there was never a real chance for any type of bonding to take place. I'm sure that made the separation easier at the time.

After I got married a few years later, I had a miscarriage and was back in the hospital with complications. It was during this stay that the emotions of my loss finally hit. I cried for my son, wanting him back. I thought now I had finally worked through my grief.

I continued to think about him over the years - what he looked like, what kind of family adopted him, what he was doing. Years later, my best friend at the time he was born told me she had a friend who worked in Vital Statistics and was able to find out who adopted him. She only told me he was adopted into a good family, that he was loved and knew he was adopted. This helped answer some questions, but not all.

I never gave up the idea that someday he may come looking for me. I wanted so much to give him answers to questions I was sure he may have been asking while growing up. I found out Alaska is one of only two states, at that time, that at age 18, allows easy access for adopted persons to get into their files. As a birth mother I could not see the file, but I could put things into it. This renewed my hope for the future.

As his 18th birthday neared, I grew more uneasy and anxious. What would I say to him if he did try to find me? How would I tell him about his father or why I gave him up? God often gives me the answer to prayers in mysterious and unsual ways.

I attended an annual conference with friends in Seaside, Oregon, and usually shared the room with them. However, this particular year, I had a room to myself. I wondered about this until I realized the next morning that God had given me the time and space to deal with my loss. I spent the next few hours writing my son a letter, explaining the circumstances and what kind of person I was at the time. That part was easier than I thought. But the next part didn't happen until I asked for his forgiveness, told him I loved him and shed many more tears. I was then able to tell him why I gave him up for adoption.

When I returned home, I put the letter on nice stationery and sent it to the Vital Statistics office, including my current name and address. When I received the reply that it had been put into his file, I felt the burden of 18 years lift from my shoulders. At that point I was able to "let go and let God" take care of the rest.

He may never see that letter. That is his choice. If he does, he may never come looking for me. That is still his choice. But I was finally able to work through my grief after 18 years and let go.

Thanks for letting me share my story.

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